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Archive for January, 2008

Nené’s Mystery Surgery– Malignant Testicular Tumor

January 23, 2008 Comments off

I don’t know why, but there’s something about the concept of having one’s nut removed that freaks me out. Is it a feeling of lessening manhood, of being a little more neutered, like a dog? Or is it the public nature of one’s private parts? Or is it the impending “nutless wonder” jokes? Nené Hilario’s injury history has been long and painful, and when he was out recently with an undisclosed injury, I wondered what it could be about.

But this has to be the worst—having a testicular tumor removed. Good luck to the Nuggets’ forward; hopefully he can recover as well as John Starks recovered from his twisted testicle, which made me cringe (the twisted testicle is an anatomic possibility in up to 5% of men). The recovery rate is high, according to the article. But cancer at such a young age (25) is no joke.

Of course, this begs the question of “how will Reggie Evans defend a man without balls?” Really, inquiring minds want to know. That is a joke.

Categories: pro basketball, Sports

West Virginia Players Know How to Relax Before a Game

January 22, 2008 Comments off

In the rumor and innuendo section, this blog clearly states that they’re about to blow up some closed-door spots. But the West Virginia Mountaineers are hitting the club to relax, like Patrick Ewing in the old days, and someone blogged about it. Fellas, you’re on blast:

Quick check of the University of South Florida’s schedule and … ladies and gentlemen, your West Virginia Mountaineers!

Now why, you ask, would D-I men’s basketball players be at a strip club the night before a game? I’m just spitballing here, but maybe because their coach is Bob Huggins, who is to discipline what Jenna Jameson is to monogamy.

Regardless, in these cats stroll in their warmups, and they’re immediately a hit. Jamie Smalligan is the only one I can identify for sure, because there’s only one 7-foot white guy on their roster. His three compadres – and this is not guaranteed info, because I was tipsy and it’s a dark-ass club, so no libel suits please – were Wellington Smith, John Flowers and Da’Sean Butler….

So the guys are fun, and apparently have money. This was confirmed for me when the cats lined up at the stage and started making it rain on the girls. Not Benjis or Jacksons or anything, but there were certainly laying more money out there than I ever had in college. Either they all have wealthy families or the fine taxpayers of West Virginia, who dole out the cash for these guys’ per diem, were instead financing the careers of Brooklyn, Chloe and Sparkle.

Hey, if it loosens them up…

Categories: college basketball

Reason Eleven Why the Giants Beat the Packers

January 22, 2008 Comments off

The victory was predicted in Eddie Murphy’s classic Coming to America:

Prince Akeem: Sir, did you happen to catch the professional football contest on television last night?
Cleo McDowell: No, I didn’t.
Prince Akeem: Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big “H”. It was a most ripping victory.

Categories: football, funny, Giants

Top Ten Reasons the Giants beat the Packers on Sunday, or SUPERBOWL THAT HO!

January 22, 2008 Comments off

I’m back from the East Coast and after 12 hours of travel, I’m happy to be in my apartment again. Watched the Giants/ Packers game with Silver and K in Boston, yelling at the television like we’ve been doing for twelve years or more. Good times.

Giants win Lawrence Tynes after game-winning field goal kick

How did this happen?
The Packer girls at Lambeau Field NFC Championship game1. Because the bikini-clad Packer girls really distracted… Brett Farve. In -2 to -4 Fahrenheit temperatures, I’d be distracted by that too. Enjoy an article about them here.

2. [CUE DEEP BOOMING ANNOUNCER VOICE] For it was written in the great annals of sports four score and seven years ago, in a bunker filled with faith and heroism and bloviation, blah blah redemption, worthiness, tough choices, blah blah, second chance at disrupting perfection, yada yada.

3. Because Corey Webster decided that RW McQuarters’ gaffes were just too ridiculous. How you gonna fumble on a punt return and again on an interception? McQuarters, you’re a veteran! Plus the cold was freezing his manhood, and Webster needed to get back inside. So he had to intercept the ball. And he didn’t really jump the route—Driver slipped, Farve threw the pass well-too-inside, and Superbowl for the Giants!

4. Because… did you see how much Brett Farve sucked? It was like he was affected by the cold or something. Maybe he was tired of freezing his cockles like Corey Webster.

5. It’s all because Lawrence Tynes got used to razzing from a youth of being called a “Lucky Charm” after moving from Scotland, making him tough enough to withstand the Coughlin glare. Gave him the fortitude to kick that ball through in overtime and ensure that televisions up and down the east coast weren’t broken by flying glasses, shoes, and other symbols of frustration.

6. Because the Ryan Grant factor didn’t happen. No punishment from the Football Gods. The end man (back then) on the Giants’ running back depth chart made it happen in the second half—thanks, Ahmad Bradshaw.

7. Because Brett Farve angered the Football Gods who unleashed the dreaded Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx.

Plaxico Burress owns a hyperbaric chamber8. Because Plaxico Burress owns a hyperbaric chamber, Al Harris and his dredlocks just couldn’t hang. After this season with him playing on a bum foot, I can no longer call him “Plexiglass,” which brought me great joy. Maybe I will make fun of basketball players again.

9. Because Steve Spagnuolo, whose defense held Ryan Grant to 25 yards and intercepted Farve twice, is working hard for that Atlanta Falcons head coaching job. I don’t know why he’d want to coach that team, but I’m sure the money, fame, and perks are better. And he can always hang out with Pac Man Jones in the Atlanta strip clubs; apparently, they have some of the best food in America. Make it rain, Spagnuolo, make it rain.

10. Oh, hell, the Giants decided they wanted to see Soulja Boy during Superbowl week up close and personal. SUPERBOWL THAT HO! Spread the phrase.

Categories: football, Giants

Mizzou Loses to Iowa State. Of Course.

January 17, 2008 Comments off

Missouri Tigers iconOh for crap’s sake, Missouri. WTF. Beat Texas… Lose to Iowa State? High risk, high reward with Mike Anderson’s offense.

And also, a rant that sums up watching the Missouri Tigers play basketball for the past 10 years. There’s nothing like watching a team lose to Belmont, or get up to #3 in the rankings and lose to every duck in the Big XII. Or get smoked by Illinois and Kansas. Even when Illinois sucks.

Categories: college basketball Tags:

Clemens in “Roid Rage from the Get Go”

January 16, 2008 Comments off

Clemens throwing the bat at Piazza 2000 World SeriesFrom Esquire, a timeline of Roger Clemens lies, twisted truths, and boorish behavior. Three of my favorites:

1986

Roger Clemens wins his first Cy Young and the AL MVP, prompting Hall of Famer Hank Aaron to opine that pitchers should not be eligible for the MVP, since they don’t play every day. Clemens thoughtfully responds, “I wish he were still playing. I’d probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was.”

1990

“If someone met me on a game day, he wouldn’t like me. The days in between, I’m the goodest guy you can find,” states Clemens. He proves the first part true when he takes the mound in Game 4 of the American League Championship Series against Oakland and lasts two innings before being ejected for threatening umpire Terry Cooney (“I’m gonna find out where you live and come get you this winter”). This is actually quite mild compared to what he said to Oakland pitcher and recovering alcoholic Bob Welch: “Have another beer. Be a man. Stop drinking milk.” Ah, Roger at his goodest.

2000

An irate Clemens throws a piece of a broken bat at Mike Piazza during the World Series. Maintaining total innocence, Roger offers the perfectly plausible explanation that he just wanted to toss the bat “towards our on-deck circle, where our batboys were at.” Then he offers the equally perfectly plausible explanation that he “thought [the bat] was the ball.” Finally, he concludes, “To be honest with you, I didn’t know if it was the bat or the ball,” putting the matter to rest forever.

Categories: baseball, player issues

Quick Hits from the World of College Basketball

January 16, 2008 Comments off

- Maryland might be really struggling this year, but at least they beat on Wake Forest behind Adrian Bowie, Barnbale Osby, and my favorite crazy sloppy Venezuelan, Greivis Vasquez. Gary Williams played the freshman Bowie for much of the game (32 minutes) and he scored 10 points with 8 rebounds. On Vasquez, from Billy Packer (by way of the Baltimore Sun’s blog by Ray Frager):

Assessing how much the Terps need Eric Hayes to return to play point guard, Packer said how Greivis Vasquez is miscast in that role: “The more he has the ball in his hands, the more he feels the pressure to make plays.”

Or pressure to dribble it so fast it leaves his hands.

- Baylor is 14-2, 2-0 in the Big XII which sports tough teams in Kansas, Texas, Texas A&M, with perhaps Nebraska (who lost to Colorado), Kansas State, and Missouri. They could be top 4 in their conference and dancing this year. Here’s a long article on Baylor and Scott Drew from ESPN.

- Miami suffered their second loss of the year, to Boston College, famous for losing to Robert Morris College this week. This Hurricane team is going to fall off like a drunk on a twin bed.

- Penn State had hopes of a solid year, and maybe even a tournament appearance for once… then they lose Geary Claxton. They’re going to score under 45 at some point this season.

- Mizzou ran all over the Texas Longhorns, if you missed it last weekend.

- The Kentucky Wildcats are under .500 again after the loss to Mississippi State.

- Early NCAA bracket thoughts from Bracketography and ESPN.

- Dick Vitale and his voice are returning on February 4th. My earplugs are at the ready.

- Notre Dame is looking serious after beating Cincinnati by nearly 20. This could be the year that Mike Brey has a second-round win? How am I going to make out a bracket without my usual Notre Dame upset.

- Drake is in Iowa but still, 14-1 gets some notice . Like Tony Bennett before him, and like Sean Sutton hasn’t yet done, Keno Davis takes over for his father and is likely heading to the NCAA for the first time since 1971 from of the Missouri Valley Conference, where Southern Illinois and Wichita State have fallen down.

Categories: college basketball
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