I’m back from the East Coast and after 12 hours of travel, I’m happy to be in my apartment again. Watched the Giants/ Packers game with Silver and K in Boston, yelling at the television like we’ve been doing for twelve years or more. Good times.
How did this happen?
1. Because the bikini-clad Packer girls really distracted… Brett Farve. In -2 to -4 Fahrenheit temperatures, I’d be distracted by that too. Enjoy an article about them here.
2. [CUE DEEP BOOMING ANNOUNCER VOICE] For it was written in the great annals of sports four score and seven years ago, in a bunker filled with faith and heroism and bloviation, blah blah redemption, worthiness, tough choices, blah blah, second chance at disrupting perfection, yada yada.
3. Because Corey Webster decided that RW McQuarters’ gaffes were just too ridiculous. How you gonna fumble on a punt return and again on an interception? McQuarters, you’re a veteran! Plus the cold was freezing his manhood, and Webster needed to get back inside. So he had to intercept the ball. And he didn’t really jump the route—Driver slipped, Farve threw the pass well-too-inside, and Superbowl for the Giants!
4. Because… did you see how much Brett Farve sucked? It was like he was affected by the cold or something. Maybe he was tired of freezing his cockles like Corey Webster.
5. It’s all because Lawrence Tynes got used to razzing from a youth of being called a “Lucky Charm” after moving from Scotland, making him tough enough to withstand the Coughlin glare. Gave him the fortitude to kick that ball through in overtime and ensure that televisions up and down the east coast weren’t broken by flying glasses, shoes, and other symbols of frustration.
6. Because the Ryan Grant factor didn’t happen. No punishment from the Football Gods. The end man (back then) on the Giants’ running back depth chart made it happen in the second half—thanks, Ahmad Bradshaw.
7. Because Brett Farve angered the Football Gods who unleashed the dreaded Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx.
8. Because Plaxico Burress owns a hyperbaric chamber, Al Harris and his dredlocks just couldn’t hang. After this season with him playing on a bum foot, I can no longer call him “Plexiglass,” which brought me great joy. Maybe I will make fun of basketball players again.
9. Because Steve Spagnuolo, whose defense held Ryan Grant to 25 yards and intercepted Farve twice, is working hard for that Atlanta Falcons head coaching job. I don’t know why he’d want to coach that team, but I’m sure the money, fame, and perks are better. And he can always hang out with Pac Man Jones in the Atlanta strip clubs; apparently, they have some of the best food in America. Make it rain, Spagnuolo, make it rain.
10. Oh, hell, the Giants decided they wanted to see Soulja Boy during Superbowl week up close and personal. SUPERBOWL THAT HO! Spread the phrase.
Oh for crap’s sake, Missouri. WTF. Beat Texas… Lose to Iowa State? High risk, high reward with Mike Anderson’s offense.
And also, a rant that sums up watching the Missouri Tigers play basketball for the past 10 years. There’s nothing like watching a team lose to Belmont, or get up to #3 in the rankings and lose to every duck in the Big XII. Or get smoked by Illinois and Kansas. Even when Illinois sucks.
From Esquire, a timeline of Roger Clemens lies, twisted truths, and boorish behavior. Three of my favorites:
Roger Clemens wins his first Cy Young and the AL MVP, prompting Hall of Famer Hank Aaron to opine that pitchers should not be eligible for the MVP, since they don’t play every day. Clemens thoughtfully responds, “I wish he were still playing. I’d probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was.”
“If someone met me on a game day, he wouldn’t like me. The days in between, I’m the goodest guy you can find,” states Clemens. He proves the first part true when he takes the mound in Game 4 of the American League Championship Series against Oakland and lasts two innings before being ejected for threatening umpire Terry Cooney (“I’m gonna find out where you live and come get you this winter”). This is actually quite mild compared to what he said to Oakland pitcher and recovering alcoholic Bob Welch: “Have another beer. Be a man. Stop drinking milk.” Ah, Roger at his goodest.
An irate Clemens throws a piece of a broken bat at Mike Piazza during the World Series. Maintaining total innocence, Roger offers the perfectly plausible explanation that he just wanted to toss the bat “towards our on-deck circle, where our batboys were at.” Then he offers the equally perfectly plausible explanation that he “thought [the bat] was the ball.” Finally, he concludes, “To be honest with you, I didn’t know if it was the bat or the ball,” putting the matter to rest forever.
- Maryland might be really struggling this year, but at least they beat on Wake Forest behind Adrian Bowie, Barnbale Osby, and my favorite crazy sloppy Venezuelan, Greivis Vasquez. Gary Williams played the freshman Bowie for much of the game (32 minutes) and he scored 10 points with 8 rebounds. On Vasquez, from Billy Packer (by way of the Baltimore Sun’s blog by Ray Frager):
Assessing how much the Terps need Eric Hayes to return to play point guard, Packer said how Greivis Vasquez is miscast in that role: “The more he has the ball in his hands, the more he feels the pressure to make plays.”
Or pressure to dribble it so fast it leaves his hands.
- Baylor is 14-2, 2-0 in the Big XII which sports tough teams in Kansas, Texas, Texas A&M, with perhaps Nebraska (who lost to Colorado), Kansas State, and Missouri. They could be top 4 in their conference and dancing this year. Here’s a long article on Baylor and Scott Drew from ESPN.
- Miami suffered their second loss of the year, to Boston College, famous for losing to Robert Morris College this week. This Hurricane team is going to fall off like a drunk on a twin bed.
- Penn State had hopes of a solid year, and maybe even a tournament appearance for once… then they lose Geary Claxton. They’re going to score under 45 at some point this season.
- Mizzou ran all over the Texas Longhorns, if you missed it last weekend.
- The Kentucky Wildcats are under .500 again after the loss to Mississippi State.
- Dick Vitale and his voice are returning on February 4th. My earplugs are at the ready.
- Notre Dame is looking serious after beating Cincinnati by nearly 20. This could be the year that Mike Brey has a second-round win? How am I going to make out a bracket without my usual Notre Dame upset.
- Drake is in Iowa but still, 14-1 gets some notice . Like Tony Bennett before him, and like Sean Sutton hasn’t yet done, Keno Davis takes over for his father and is likely heading to the NCAA for the first time since 1971 from of the Missouri Valley Conference, where Southern Illinois and Wichita State have fallen down.
Terrell Owens crying gets turned into a Coors Light commercial in the style that has lampooned cryin’ Dick Vermeil, angry Denny Green, and Jim “Playoffs?!” Mora. Note for the Kids: I don’t condone the drinking of Coors light. The beer is swill, and the family is a bit too right-wing for my tastes. But, enjoy a TO!
Thanks to Kelly Dwyer’s blog on Yahoo’s NBA Experts section, I have now seen Richard Jefferson give the Atlanta Hawks’ Shelden Williams the poster dunk. Extra points for having the ball bounce off of the former Duke player’s body, recovering on the ground.
Reading through the weekend’s links, I come upon a long Filip Bondy piece on how every 20 years , the Knicks fall into extreme suckage. This is what happens when the basketball becomes interminable to watch or write about– the journalists dig deep into their vault and pull some nuggets from the back shelf to keep the readership entertained. I dig that.
Stephon Marbury sat out the last game with a “left ankle injury”; as we all know, the left ankle is where everyone’s “willingness to play with a reduced role” bone is. The Journal News points out an interesting “if” in Isiah’s comments about Starbury’s status, the kind of if that is kin to Steve Francis’ injuries when he was with the Knicks and “rehabbing at home”. But wait…
Garden chairman James Dolan recently told confidants that he knows a coaching change must be made and that he is preparing to do just that, according to a source close to Dolan. No timetable was given, but the source indicated that Dolan is leaning toward making a change before the end of the season.
Firing Isiah as coach? As GM? As both? I guess Dolan found those dirty photos that isiah must have been holding over his head to keep him job in the face of this unprecedented constant sucking.
During Missouri’s fast-paced, ridiculous-shooting 97-84 win over the #13 Texas Longhorns at Columbia, the announcers pointed out why the face at the end of last Friday’s Friday Night Lights looked familiar– it was Texas coach Rick Barnes. Kinda nondescript, but he sells one of the character on “trust” as the football coach of Texas Methodist U, which is a stand-in for the University of Texas in the show– the BIG school in Texas.
1. Jessica Simpson, obviously.
2. Steve Smith—the Giants have found a third receiver? That’s crazy talk.
3. Michael Strahan ogling Jessica Simpson (seriously, people need to get over Tony Romo taking a few relaxation days off before an intense playoff game. Let the man get his Mexican beach on. He’s not the only man on the team. And Strahan gets his mack on with famous women too).
4. Seriously, I didn’t know Kavika Mitchell had that much hard tackling in him. Marion Barber ran for 124 yards but didn’t control the game after the second quarter.
5. Amani Toomer going in the way-back machine to find his game and a little elusiveness.
6. Eli Manning didn’t make dumb mistakes. In fact, he’s been kinda nice all playoffs.
7. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but some good coaching to shore up the Giants’ pass defense problems against the Dallas Cowboys—who worked them over in two regular season meetings—just enough to allow the Giants to win a nail-biter. Way to go, Tom Coughlin.
8. Just enough pressure in the second half to get the Cowboys’ passing game out of its timing. Damn, those defensive linemen took a long time to wear down Dallas’ offensive line, but in the end, Spagnolo’s blitzes really started slapping Tony Romo around.
9. Thanks Patrick Crayton’s butterfingers!
10. That game was winnable in the final five minutes, and I know Romo was getting harrassed, but damn, he lost his composure real hard. Yelling, obviously upset over his intentional grounding call… made me think of that playoff game in 1998 when Armstead and Strahan and the Giants’ defense were arguing on the field and on the sidelines, as the Vikings rallied back during that 23-22 playoff loss at Giants Stadium in 1997.
Rumor has it that Jason Kidd has a new girlfriend named Hope Dworaczyk– a model who may have been one of the other women he was tricking around with when his ex-wife Joumana claimed he was a cad. Anyway, Hope is expecting. Come on, J-Kidd, you just got divorced, and you’ve got two kids, and you love the NYC party life. Wear a glove, man. Don’t be Larry Johnson. You don’t see Richard Jefferson with baby mamas. For all you know, you might get traded to Dallas this year. Models don’t want to leave New York for Dallas.
If you want more salacious details of Jason Kidd’s love life, check out the Big Lead’s coverage.